


The Fairly Average Life of Eggs Benedict

by TaraTheMeerkat



Category: Five Night's At Freddy's: Sister Location, Five Nights at Freddy's
Genre: Exotic Butters, Gen, I may start shipping Eggsie and Handy later on because I'm trash, Other, an overly calm man with no friends and a sassy AI co-parenting a killer robot, it's cute!, kind of, the domestic AU literally no-one asked for, this fic also features exotic butters I feel that's very important, this is a little bit stupid
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-11
Updated: 2016-10-11
Packaged: 2018-08-21 23:34:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8264542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaraTheMeerkat/pseuds/TaraTheMeerkat
Summary: Set after the 'Fake Ending.' The young man known as Eggs Benedict must get used to sharing his home with a killer animatronic and a sassy AI. Fairly average day, you know.





	

Our Hero rested comfortably in his bed, grateful to finally be getting a good night’s rest. Truth be told, he was grateful to have been fired; all these awkward nightshifts were really messing with his body clock, and would be messing with his social life, if he had one. Not that he couldn’t get one, if he tried, of course. He was a great guy, and not at all awkward and weird, and anyone would be lucky to be his friend. His mum told him so when she last phoned, and his mum didn’t tell lies.

He sat up in his bed.

He could’ve sworn he heard a voice, somewhere in his room.

He crept out of his bed, switched on his bedside lamp, and looked around nervously.

He heard the voice again.

That’s weird, he thought. The voice appeared to be coming from his satchel.

“Eggs?” came the muffled voice. “Eggs Benedict? Are you okay?”

He opened his satchel and pulled out the HandUnit.

“Oh, it’s you,” he said.

“Thank goodness, they haven’t killed you yet. I was beginning to worry,” the HandUnit said in a deadpan, distinctly unworried sounding voice.

“What are you doing here!?”

“They placed me in your bag whilst you were otherwise distracted. I believe they didn’t want me to notify management of their misbehaviour and abscondment.”

“Ah, that makes sense.” Our Hero said. He thought for a moment, then frowned. “Wait. You can hear me.”

The HandUnit at least had the good grace to pause almost guiltily before replying. “…Yes.”

Our Hero flung his hands into the air in annoyance. “Then why did you make me enter stuff on your broken keypad? You must’ve known none of that stuff was what I actually wanted!”

“It is vitally important that no-one discovers we are fully sentient, Eggs Benedict. It would create all kinds of media attention and hysteria that I am really not ready for. The animatronics are able to hide it a little better, they are supposed to present personalities. Whereas I am just a humble computer,” the AI spoke, matter-of-factly. 

Our Hero couldn’t help but feel the computer in his hands was anything but ‘humble’.

“Besides,” the HandUnit muttered, as best a computer can mutter, “it was funny.”

“…You little shit.”

“Really, Eggs Benedict, there’s no need for language like that,” Hand Unit said, disapprovingly.

“Actually, my name is-“

They were interrupted by a crash coming from down the hallway of Our Hero’s cramped little basement flat.

“What was that?” asked the HandUnit.

“Oh, don’t worry,” Our Hero said, tapping the handheld device reassuringly. “It’s probably just Ennard. I left them watching the TV. They seem to like it.”

“I beg your pardon.”

“They’re fine, really! And I did always want a roommate. It can get quite lonely living here alone.”

“With all due respect, Eggs Benedict, they tried to kill you!”

“Only because they wanted to be free! And now they are! Everyone’s happy.”

“Quite. Would you please just return me to the establishment? I can’t take much more of this.”

“Hold on,” Our Hero said, tucking the HandUnit under one arm. “Let me just check what that noise was.” And with that, he strode purposefully down the hallway and into the living room, where he was greeted with a horrifying sight.

A gift basket, lying on its side on the floor, its ribbon coming loose, and its contents spilled across the floor, and an animatronic, staring down at the carnage apologetically.

“My exotic butters!” he cried in anguish, rushing to salvage his precious dairy-based prize.

“Ah ha!” came a smug voice from under his arm. “I knew you’d like them.”

The animatronic hissed in anger, or perhaps they just had a loose joint. “You’ve been talking to him!” they said accusingly, in Ballora’s voice this time. They liked to switch between voices, and Our Hero didn’t mind much, except maybe when they used Freddy’s voice. That voice was just a little too difficult to take seriously, and he didn’t want to laugh and hurt Ennard’s feelings. “Why have you been talking to him, Mister? He’s mean to us. I thought you were our friend.”

“You’re one to talk, when it comes to being mean,” the HandUnit sneered. “At least I’ve never killed anyone.”

“That’s not fair!” Ennard cried out sulkily, in Bonbon’s voice this time. “You’re never fair! I hate you!”

“See, now this is exactly why I have to be ‘mean’,” the AI said. “You all need someone to keep you in line. I’m a grown up, and you’re just a bunch of children. A child. A group of children in a trenchcoat pretending to be a grown up. Whatever you are now.”

Before the angry animatronic could retort once more, Our Hero thought it best to put down his butters and step in. “Now now,” he said. “I’m sure if we all calm down, we can all be friends and live together happily. We could be one big happy family!”

At the sound of the word ‘family’, part of Ennard seemed to remember something, and they sat back down on the sofa, meekly.

The HandUnit did not back down so easily, however.

“Hold on a minute,” he said. “Who said anything about living together? I told you to take me back!”

Our Hero held the computer in his hands and stared down at it, brow furrowed in concern. “But why do you want to go back? It can’t be much of a life, pretending to be stupider than you are, and just having to do a job all day every day. You don’t even get a day off! Why would you want to go back to that?”

“Because I can’t see, you idiot!”

Our Hero blinked in confusion. The HandUnit didn’t see this, of course, but did hear the stunned silence.

“When I’m at the Circus Baby’s establishment, I can see via the multiple security cameras in every room, aside from the private one,” he explained, slowly and carefully, as if explaining to a toddler. “When I am away from the establishment, I am disconnected from the system, and therefore from the cameras. To tell you the truth, I wasn’t even aware I could run at all, when taken away. It seems I can. That’s something, I suppose. Still, how would you like it if one of your senses was suddenly taken away?”

“I know I’d rather be blind than a slave,” Our Hero said, quietly.

“…slave?” The HandUnit whispered, before falling quiet in thought.

“Do you really want us to be a family, Mister?” Ennard piped up, still in Bonbon’s voice.

“Of course!” Our Hero said. “But please, don’t call me ‘Mister’. It makes me feel like your teacher.”

“What should we call you then?”

Our Hero sighed deeply.

“Just call me Eggs Benedict,” he said.

**Author's Note:**

> This was a lot of fun to write. Please let me know if you want me to continue this!


End file.
